I don’t want to continue writing this blog however, my number one fear is Anniston being forgotten about.
So, here I am four years later and guess what it still sucks. It isn’t any better now than it was when she died. It actually is worse now than it was then because I am angry now. I put blame where blame is deserved. I want answers to questions.
I do not feel like any article can pinpoint Anniston’s situation, maybe I could pull key points from many different things to make up what my grieving process has been like but even then it is so much deeper.
Guilt? Blame? Denial? Bargaining? Anger? Acceptance? Depression?
I feel guilty for not protecting her and I blame myself for not being the parent that obsessed with car seat safety. More blame goes to Spencer though. Denial, it does feel like it isn’t real sometimes but I know when I open my eyes that she isn’t here. It is very real for me. Bargaining, I asked many times for God to take me. Let Anniston live. Even once said “why was it not Spencer?” Honestly, I still wonder why he was allowed to live. Lets come back to anger. Anniston was in the hospital from January 12 till she died on the 22nd. I watched the doctors care for her and give her medicines that allowed her to continue living. I watched nurses work their tails off for my daughter when she would take a downhill turn. I watched them change the tubes on the life support machine and hear the beeps almost disappear because she was in distress. I walked to a room. . . this room was cold. It was the room in the hospital no one wanted to go in because that is the room you heard all the bad news. In this room is where we was told Anniston was paralyzed. I knew that moment she wouldn’t go home with me. My acceptance started then. I didn’t accept that she died a month later. I accepted that she died that moment. Before she was dead. Depression? Maybe I have it and maybe I don’t? I don’t know. I know how to live without her and I know that it is okay to be happy even though she is not here. I find happiness in my life now and when I get sad over her not being here, I am just sad. I have my moment. I get weak and I cry. Then I pick myself back up and move forward. Anger. Anger is the hardest step. It is this tight grip on me. I can not go into detail simply because I don’t want this post to be about that. I have to trust that the day will come when the anger is gone and I can move forward. If it is tomorrow or 5 years from now. That day, his day will come. My anger and blame towards Spencer are the strongest of all right now.
As for now. It is still one foot in front of the other.
Four years later and I miss her more now than ever before. It is harder now not knowing what happened the night of the wreck than it did the day it happened.
I believe he tried to pass someone. I believe he was driving reckless.
And this is what he left me with.