How in the world is that possible? 5 years since I last seen your face and man has it been hard. I miss you more today than I did yesterday. And, today is harder than it was 5 years ago. Whoever said it gets easier lied.
I started this blog to share Anniston’s story with people. To help save other children and to allow people to see the grief of losing a child to a preventable death through me. I have struggled every year to sit down and make myself type this blog post. . .often not doing it until the 22nd because expressing my emotions for anyone on the web to read is not easy.
There is not a day that goes by that Anniston isn’t on my mind. How she died, how she saved lives through her organs or her story, how absolutely crushing our story is for myself and others to read because this is just hard.
I have that dreaded thing called anxiety now. I have learned to keep it at bay with no medication by not doing certain things to myself.
From January 12th to January 22nd I tell myself to not look at social media memories because remembering my daughters life is easy. Her life was good. She was such a happy and joyful little girl. She loved her family, her friends, dancing, playing, Minnie Mouse, being silly, just being a normal little girl, laughing. Oh her laugh, she could make the room laugh when she laughed and for no reason at all. But this life, is hard and reliving those days are too hard.
I started this to share everything with the world, to make everyone see how real it is, to make you want to do the right thing by your child and yet at the end of the day if you do not want the help you will turn your head. No matter the hurt and pain that I have felt, your child is invisible.
So, why put myself through this HELL every single year. I do not need to write this blog to help myself. I do it so others may want to help themselves.
You do not want to read about how angry I am with her dad for the countless things that he did not do right. What continues to go wrong EVERY SINGLE DAY with her grave back in Mississippi. Nor, do I want to sit and talk about it.
So, it still sucks. It still hurts. I still cry. I am still SO ANGRY.
In my post last year I said, I do not want to keep writing this blog but I do not want Anniston forgotten about. However, this blog is not keeping her alive. I do, my family does, my children do every single day when they talk about her. I do not know when or if I will make another post in the years to come but if I do, I hope it can be something joyful just as my daughter was.