Two years later

You know our story, you have voiced your opinion as to the choices that myself and Anniston’s dad made in her final days so let me tell you how I feel.

I will get mixed comments about this but I am human. I lost my child and I have emotions just like all of you do.

It has been two years since I laid eyes on my daughter.

It has been two years since I hugged her.

It has been two years since I kissed her.

It has been two years since I heard her say “Mommy, I love you.”

It has been TWO years.

Your life is normal? You wake up everyday with a routine.

For most people, you shower, brush your teeth, get ready for work, get your children ready for school, eat breakfast, put the kids on the bus or take them to school.. What ever your life may be like, it is normal for you. Hopefully, nothing has thrown your routine upside down and right side out.

For us, Anniston’s dad and I have separated for the second time.

I wake up, shower, brush our teeth, get ready for work, get Cohen ready for school, and drop him off.. but where is Anniston? Where is my sassy little girl who would argue with me about what to wear in the morning? Argue with me over how she wanted to wear her hair that day. Anniston would be SIX on May 8th this year. SIX… she has been missing from my life since 3 years 8 months and 14 days.. and here comes her sixth birthday and I can not celebrate with her. I can not shower her with love and gifts. I buy her grave flowers and freshen up her grave so that she isn’t forgotten about. I do a balloon release for her. I honor her everyday that I live. I share her story with the world to see so that maybe her story can save 1 child.

This blog alone has reached millions of people.

Many have told me that this will get easier with time. This does not get easier. This is not normal. It is not normal to be missing your child. Have I adjusted to life without her? Yes, but that does not mean that it is easier. I want her here where she should be. I feel as if I failed her even though she was not under my care. Anniston’s organs where failing her. Had we decided to bring Anniston home she would have undergone so many surgeries that her little body and organs would have failed her. Then guess what, Anniston would not have been an organ donor.

You, as a parent or grandparent, have made choices that you thought was to benefit the child. Yet the same people have judged me for the choice that her dad and I made. (Which I know will happen, this is a very public story.)
The wreck was on Sunday and on Wednesday we knew the extent of injury that she had. She had opened her eyes a few times during the 11 days, but on that 7th night the nurse worked her tail off keeping my Anniston alive because her organs started failing her. There is nothing that says that anyone deserves an explanation of the choice that was made because she is our daughter BUT so many of you bash me for what was done. In all honesty, you never know what decisions you will make in a situation like this, unless you are in it. And, I pray you never have to be.
I am a very selfless mother, I sacrificed MY TIME with Anniston so that she could save someone else. I was allowed 5 minutes once the machine was completely turned off to tell her goodbye. 5 minutes, is that enough time for you to tell your child “goodbye?” Not a “see you later” but a “goodbye.” The only thoughts I had was the sooner that I let her go the sooner she can help someone else. After all, her outcome would not be different.

“Mikki, this is just as hard for you as it is everyone else.” Huge correction: Anniston is my daughter and the pain you have is nothing compared to what I have. Even her daddy and I share a different type of pain. We all grieve differently. Anniston is my daughter before she was a granddaughter, niece, cousin, friend or anything else. She is MINE, and I lost one of the most important beings in my life and yet in such a time of loss for me and my family, I chose to allow her to save lives thru her organ donation. Now, because of organ donations, there are other families out there who do not have to experience what I did.
She is a true hero. My hero and her brother’s hero!

Cohen at graveyard

 

Anniston is living on thru many people, not only thru organ donation, but thru her story. Thru this blog.

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