I want to know how you live with yourself? I have gotten to a new point in my grieving stage that makes me question almost everything to do with Anniston’s death. These past three years I have trusted God but lately well since January 12, 2017 I started questioning God.

Why God?
Why Anniston?
Why did she have to die?
Why did you cross the center line?
Why does everyone thank God when ultimately my baby died?
Why did he live?
Why did he have to hit someone else and hurt them?
So many “why’s” and questions that are unanswered.

There is a family who is constantly thanking God for saving their child and I question them knowing that I would be thanking God if the role was reversed. So I am not angry with them because they are only doing what they know to do. I am more jealous of them because they can thank God that their son wasn’t hurt more than he was. I am jealous and thankful because they still have their son. They could have done so much more to you but they are a Godly family who just wishes the best for my family and your family because they can’t imagine the pain that you caused us.

I wonder how you live like you used to. Nothing has stopped you from living a normal life. Which in a way isn’t a bad thing because you are only doing what you know. Your life is still just as it was before she died. Nothing stopped you from carrying on a life like you didn’t have a child. You don’t want to share her story. You don’t want to stop things that you used to do. You don’t advocate for Anniston. It makes me mad. Your life was not fully affected by her death because you didn’t see her every day.

I question myself. “Mikki, why did you not take him down for vehicular homicide?”

If the other family had lost their son in that accident because you crossed the line I would think they would want you held reliable for your actions. BUT because Anniston was your daughter it was ruled an accident because there was no proof of wrong doing on your behalf. I took it upon myself to ask questions though.

Mikki- “What was Spencer doing at the scene?”
Anonymous- “He was more worried about his car than your daughter.”
Mikki- “Was speed a factor?”
Anonymous- “Witnesses say he was passing cars at excessive speeds.”
So I asked you, Spencer, what happened?
Do you know to this day I have never gotten one answer from you. You have told me multiple different ones. At the very moment of impact speed may not have been a factor but your reckless driving is what caused this.


 

The death of Anniston has pushed me past all limits. I have been at my lowest and yet I still manage to find a way to be happy. People who dwell on the negativity in life are such a bothersome to me. I have thought, why couldn’t it have been me? Why couldn’t I take Anniston’s place and she still be here? Some people think about suicide or turn to drugs and alcohol which makes me ask, how? My life has been at the lowest of low and yet there still is no way I could do such things to cope. I stand up and I put my two feet in the ground and I live life the best way that I know how. Anniston was a bright 3 year old who had so much life left to live so who would I be if I lived my life like that and let Anniston just die.

Her story has so much sadness behind it. It has so much life in it that can help so many people from the same heartache that I have been through and that is what I aim for. Consistently find our new normal every day without Anniston and be happy. Each day is a new day and each day is one more day with my family that Anniston didn’t have.

 

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7 thoughts on “Three years later

  1. I know each and every one of your thoughts and questions on a level I wish I didn’t. I have no answers, just more questions. Know though that Anniston is who lives in our memory and not the driver. Anniston has a beautiful legacy and the driver is nothing but an angry, fleeting thought in most people’s minds.

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  2. Mikki – God bless your soul. No on should EVER have to live through loosing a child. I’m so, SO sorry for the loss of little Anniston. I don’t know you, but have been following your story since you first blogged. I pray for you and your peace. I would like to suggest a book for you to read, when and if the time strikes you to get deeper with answers. It’s called Dying To Be Me, by Anita Morjoni. She also wrote another one called What If This Is Heaven and a follow up to the first book. She had a near death experience that is pretty unbelievable and talks about the other side – because there is one. I’m so sorry for your loss and terrible pain and I will continue to pray for you.

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  3. I’m so sorry for all the pain you have borne. No one who hasn’t lived through it can begin to understand your broken heart. Accept the support and, if possible, ignore the comments that hurt. You don’t have to answer to anyone for the pain you carry. Your pain is a sign of your love for your daughter.

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  4. I shared your post 2 years ago as a way to advocate for proper car seat usage. It is something I feel very strongly about and your story touched my heart. At the time, I could only imagine the pain and heartache you felt. As the mother of 8, I was still fortunate to have all of my children.

    Unfortunately, that changed for me Dec 11, 2016. Just 2 weeks before Christmas, a drunk driver took my beautiful 23 year old son. There was never even another chance to see him or say goodbye (we were strongly cautioned against it due to the brutality of the accident), he was simply gone. My heart is forever shattered, our lives will never be the same. We still have court cases and a bunch of other nonsense to deal with, so I am there with you already… I am angry! It’s only been 12 weeks today for me, but I know things will never be fully “ok”, ever again. His siblings are grieving, his family is grieving and I have to find a way to try to help them through while willing myself to keep moving. Zach would have had it no other way. I have to honor his life and his memory.

    Just 8 days ago, my husband and I, with our 4 youngest children, were in a car accident. I was driving and I did all I could to avoid her, but she ran a stop sign and I could not stop my car in time. I t-boned her, flipping her vehicle and violently jarring mine. We all walked away (ok, I hobbled with an ankle injury) due to airbags, car seats and seatbelts. My little guys are 5 & 8, but still in 5 pt harnesses, and were physically fine. No amount of protection could shield them from the anxiety of an accident so soon after losing their brother the same way… Car seats SAVE LIVES.

    Keeping sharing your story. Keep talking about your angel. You are reaching people that you may never realize. My mother’s heart grieves with yours. I do know your pain and I am so sorry.

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  5. You poor Mommy. I’m so very sorry for your loss. My family has delt with loss in a different way. My daughter who will be 14 next week is a 12 yr cancer survivor. I have guilt. She has lost many close friends to that awful disease.
    I Thank God for allowing us to keep her. But at the age of 6 she asked why God took her 20 yr old friend, her hero, her “crush” and not her? Why did he take TJ and not her? I had no idea how to answer that except with..”God needed TJ in heaven to help look after you better and you here to spread his word and love”. She was content with that. Death doesn’t bother her like it would us. She’s so use to it.
    I pray for you. I pray that you find some peace. Some comfort with God. The Bible never says that we can’t ask God “why”. As hard as it is, we just need to remember that He knows best.

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  6. I wish you could know my heart weeps for you. I was never able to have children, therefore I can’t say I understand your pain but I do know pain. The pain of wondering what having children would have been like. The pain when others say things indicating I choose not to be a mother.
    I have asked the why questions. I asked them for a few years. One day I think the Holy Spirit finally broke through to my heart and I started asking What?
    What was I going to choose – Being better or being bitter.
    What was I going to learn – What lesson did a loving Father in Heaven have for me in this experience?
    What would He have me do now? – What did He see me doing to serve him despite of the fact I would not be a mother.
    If you had been here, with me you have seen the searching and seeking I did and still do. I did a great deal of praying, even fasting. I found the what eventually. It took time, tears and courage. The how questions then followed.
    How would I learn enough to complete my mission?
    How would I get through another day on this other mission? The mission I didn’t count on.
    How would I be enough to serve as you have asked Father?
    I am at the point now that I know I do not have to be enough because He makes up the difference. I know he forgives me and others more than I understand. I am learning to be like Him and forgive more. I have learned that forgiveness is more about freeing me than the person I am forgiving, most especially when I forgive me and I have a lot more of that to do. We are all a work in progress.
    You are loved. Your daughter loves you and wants you to know you made the right choice for her.
    Keep going, keep seeking. One of the most frequently repeated phrases in the scriptures is ask and receive. It was so hard for me to ask in the beginning. It got easier to ask for His help. I ask a lot, everyday. For help to be enough. For help to fulfill my mission. For help to be at peace and serve those who are here.

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